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Post by Maddy on Oct 13, 2011 10:59:14 GMT -6
And could you review my poems?
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Post by Katrina on Oct 13, 2011 14:59:32 GMT -6
Okay, I will after I get this essay done.
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Post by Maddy on Oct 14, 2011 14:52:52 GMT -6
: ) Thanks. We need to chat again. XD
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Post by Katrina on Oct 14, 2011 15:27:03 GMT -6
Yup Marielle, RATE THIS. Sheesh.
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Post by Maddy on Oct 14, 2011 17:50:05 GMT -6
XD She rated one of mine.
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Post by Marielle on Oct 14, 2011 18:43:11 GMT -6
You got it written! Ahh! it's amazing!! (too much first person and too many prepositions. also much of is repetitive, remember that you aren't in Elizebethan England and that old fashioned language doesn't go too far, and you use wayy too many synonyms of gleaming in the second stanza even though your diction is absolutely beautiful; add more sensory stuff if you want to perfect the imagery you're creating. the demonic stanza is for sure my favorite; you did a wonderful job putting your feelings into words and conveying the intense emotion and pain. I do feel like there needs to be more of a transition between the third and last stanzas; you're about to die, and then suddenly practically moved on. This is the poem describing your life right now! Pour it all out, every painful step to recovery--it's well on the way to being a masterpiece) and you can ignore all that if you don't want a critique. It's just something I MUST do XD. However if you plan to submit this anywhere (I recommend it! It's good!!) I can do an intensive in depth type analysis much like what the judges would. (it would be harsh...) Does it feel better now that you've gotten that onto paper? I love how you incorporated all of your desired themes in without making it seem overly choppy.
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Post by Katrina on Oct 15, 2011 17:04:36 GMT -6
It feels easier to talk about everything thats happened to say the least
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Post by Maddy on Oct 15, 2011 19:46:18 GMT -6
: ) It's good you found a great way to get everything out. XD
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Post by Katrina on Oct 15, 2011 20:13:48 GMT -6
Yeah, at least the flashbacks helped with something
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Post by Marielle on Oct 15, 2011 20:44:06 GMT -6
This is gonna be long. I even used a word document.
//I’ll comment on a line-by-line basis, on those I deem fit. It’s mostly opinion stuff.
Lightning crackles across the sky. Thunder roars, rain rushes down. We all watch the funnel try To hit the ground. The storm grows as dusk begins to fall. Too dark to see... //maybe change the wording, you can get more out of this line It's a choice between two roads- a close call. //get rid of “It’s” and “a close call” is rather awkward/unnecessary We have to abandon, have to flee. //maybe lose the second “have” As we ride home, I look back at the storm- The colors of the setting sun play across the cell.//I love this so much I wish it would deform...//huh? But it's powerful-majestic- and it's like it's casting a spell! //drop “and it’s” I can't look away. Daylight is fading, I finally have to look the other way...//word that differently, you just used “look the other way” Lightning for shadows- why am I trading?//good, but seems kinda random. Expand more on the shift in perspective.
Shadows fill the earth... I look at the stars gleaming..... Shining, like diamonds, for all they're worth. //oh the imagery (: I smile, hoping I'm not dreaming. The moonlight seems to be shimmering Across the dark and beautiful prairie. Dancing, sparkling, glimmering- Like the magick of a fairy.//the shining magical beauty of the starlight is getting old. The light is pure and sparkles Across the coppery fields,silvery in moonlight dancing.//And yet. It goes. On. But yet- the air seems hostile.//maybe change ‘but yet” to “yet, somehow” I ignore it, hoping something isn't advancing.//maybe “hoping nothing is advancing” There's a shadow in my heart as I stare. I can't shake the feeling- am I going to die? //the “am I going to die” is just so far-fetched and kinda paranoid I look around- I could swear //lose the first “I” and change “look” to “Looking” Something is watching, dark and sly...
I walk in the door The moment I do, I'm losing it I thought this was folklore? //what now? The fear is trying to reach the summit... The darkness is screaming my name-//yes. I know nothing will ever be the same. This is it-this is how I die-trapped..forevermore.//shakespeare. Stop with the “folklore” and “forevermore” What about all that I'm living for? //I love this. Lost and alone in the fog- alone in this nightmare..//maybe ditch the second “alone” as it serves no purpose I know you're there! This tells me to kill. //what is “this”? Must be your desire- it's not my will. You, there, dark and evil In my mind, sly as a weasel. //nice couplets I'm trying to fight, trying to get out. You won't let me, no matter how I scream or shout. It's like I'm lost-you have my soul. //again. “It’s” isn’t serving a purpose. And make that a metaphor for more effect. And I'm under your control. Let me out. Let me go. This pain is so strong. So terrible. But you know- You're not going to win. I escape, barely, crying, in pain. //aw, I wanted more of the getting over, moving on, winning the battle. Good job getting it out though.
I look around at the creek, the trees, the hills... one last time. They're beautiful- it's a piece of what once was home. It's my time to escape this hell, got to make it out of the grime. This place has so many bad memories, yet this is a dome. //..a dome? Wtf? Of my life I choose to break away. // Dome rhymes with home. Cool. But it makes no sense. Like this sentence. And oh, this is the day I've been waiting for. // “and oh,”?! what day you’ve been waiting for? For so long, don't stare at me in dismay. //I am so lost right now. I'm going to be fine. I'm doing what I'm meant to do- forevermore. //forevermore. Mkay. It's my time to spread my wings and soar away. //kinda cheesy, but pretty good Over this state I used to love. Happy that I can follow my heart and let light in my way. //okay. That sentence did not work. I'll spread my wings, like a dove. //why a dove? Doves symbolize peace. And I know this is what's best for me. //you’ve lost your poetic structure I know it's where I belong. //yeah, great, so? You know where I'll be- Where the wind will sing unworded songs. //unworded? That’s not a word. Also? “Will” is no good. “Sings”.
All in all, it’s a really great poem. I wasn’t too harsh (in my standards…in that of some I was quite the bitch XD) and I could critique yet. But the nitpicking is for you to do; I’ve just given you my opinion. You do have a few sentences that need major invasive surgery, and some wording that makes absolutely no sense. And lots of fluff that could be cut, and some that needs to be added transitioning from the possession to the concluding stanza. Heck. You need more transitions throughout all of it. It needs to flow better. Your writing is gorgeous and I wouldn’t be bothering to try and improve it further if it wasn’t worth improving. (Just a btw if anyone thinks I’m too critical). Seriously, if I ever give someone the, “oh! It’s great!” it means that their poem is a piece of shit. Mkay. I’m done now.
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Post by Katrina on Oct 15, 2011 21:06:01 GMT -6
Thanks I couldn't use rhymezone or whatever because internet crashed
Man, I can still remember the pain, damn nightmares were coming back last night
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Post by Marielle on Oct 16, 2011 12:09:14 GMT -6
Rhymezone? and you need to find a way to like get rid of those. Melatonin gives me strange dreams, maybe it would work for you (to prevent the nightmares)
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Post by Katrina on Oct 16, 2011 12:27:18 GMT -6
It's a site that gives you a list of words that rhyme with the word you type in. Yeah, watching Stephen King movies helps....gives you something else to dream about. I dreamt I was in The Shining last night, lol
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Post by Marielle on Oct 16, 2011 18:01:50 GMT -6
Dang...that sounds really useful. And are you like obsessed with horror? It seems so. (although, I'm not criticizing you for it, and especially not on your choice of horror. Stephen King is the best there is, imo)
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Post by Katrina on Oct 16, 2011 18:12:34 GMT -6
Yes I am lol. Stephen King is The Master imo
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